I Am Left to Lament

On writing to feel and feeling to write

Since July 2023, I have been meeting up with my Chicago Latina Writers group once a month. The writers who show up vary from month to month but I keep going back because I have found so much solace in connecting with Latina women who also love to write.

This month, we met at Oromo Cafe in Lincoln Square and one other writer, Vero, joined me. We checked in on our writing and what we have been working on and then we chatted a bit about the election.

Before Vero arrived, I did some writing.

Here’s what I wrote:

the pools are empty
the leave are brown or fallen from trees now
i’ve been listening to Noah Kahan
and lamenting to friends
about wanting to move forward
about wanting to feel and not feel
all at the same time
i am a human
i want it all 
and yet, i hate it all
all is too much
and yet, without it all
i am bereft
and 
with it all
i am left
to lament

Then Vero came and we were talking and decided to write a bit together. I had shared how I realized the healing power of writing in 2018 after my agent was a fraud. Even at a time when I was feeling so much pain because of my writing life, I still felt called to write.

I always write for myself first, but this was writing for myself out of a desperate need to put my emotions into words. At the time, I wrote an essay that unlocked a connection to my Guatemalan heritage.

Since the election last week, I’ve felt a desperate need to write again.

But first I had to let myself feel. Or maybe in order to feel, I had to write. It’s hard for me to know which comes first; they feel so intertwined.

I found myself wanting to listen to Noah Kahan’s music. He’s a folk singer from Vermont whose voice, music, and lyrics blend together in beautifully heartbreaking ways. I felt drawn to use his lyrics as a mentor text to say what I needed to say in a way that I wanted to say it.

In an interview with Bre Cura for The Queue, Noah said, “Vulnerability and emotional honesty is important because I believe, that at our core, human beings share many similar feelings and emotions.” The way his bares his soul in his lyrics and music inspires me because it speaks right to my soul.

Listening to his lyrics reminded me to be specific. To center myself in here and now. To use the details to tell a story. To be honest. To feel.

So I wrote the poem above, and then I sat across from Vero and wrote this:

a wall of greenery
and pink roses

a pistachio and rose latte
in a simple white mug

the counter tiled with intricate detail
and light fixtures bright
with gold filament

a couple next to me
bopping their heads

the sweetness of life
wrapped up in a coffee shop
but there is nothing sweet about it

the pink roses
are plastic
the rose latte 
is bitter
the lights 
burn my eyes
the couple 
leaves
an empty table

(bittersweet)

others come and go
the Goo Goo Dolls sing:
i just want you 
to know who I am 

so much beauty
in one small space

women laughing
coffee grinding
i want to hold 
their hands and
kiss their cheeks and
hug them tight
and celebrate

the sweetness of life

but here i sit
alone and small
for there is nothing sweet about it

Some moments in life remind me how small I am. I am one person in my city, in my state, in my country, in the world, in the galaxy, in the universe, through time and space. That feels overwhelming.

But then I hugged Vero good bye and crossed the street to my car and drove west.

I took a turn and in front of me was this vibrant, yet serene, mural.

And I was reminded that I may be one person, but one person can bring a lot of peace and love and joy and light into the world if they remember to shine bright.

Writing and feeling. Feeling and writing.

I keep showing up to the page because I have words that beg to be written, feelings that demand to be felt.

Maybe my words have reached you.

Maybe you’ll write some words/feelings too.

---

Sometimes I sit down to write and sometimes writing sits me down.

This was a time when it felt like the words were persistent. As much as I identify as a writer, the words I write show up in different ways. It’s not always the same experience. Being a writer means having a mindset for looking for ideas but also being open to the ideas that reveal themselves to you.

Fellow writer, I invite you to reflect on how you invite ideas in or how ideas invite you to explore them. This story came from needing to feel, and writing helped me do that. Do you write to feel and feel to write? I’m curious if you use writing in this way and I’d love to hear about it.

I’m so grateful that you’re here and that you’re also exploring what it means to live the life of a writer in and out of the classroom. I love empowering writers, teachers, and students to explore their stories. If you know someone who is reflective, values community, connection, and growth, and likes to write, I’d love if you would share this post with them.