Fear Personified

In January of 2019, I was in the parking garage of the county clerk’s office. Feeling no sympathy and no solace from the cement walls and pillars, I turned off the car and tried to calm my breathing.

I was here to apply for my Doing Business As certificate, making Story Exploratory an official business. This was a momentous occasion for sure, but I was full of emotions.

Creating a supportive, inclusive but also fun and funky community of writers had been a dream of mine for a few years. Now, after finding out my agent was a fraud and feeling like I had reached a dead-end with my writing career, I was making moves to manifest my business. It was exciting, but it was also scary. My fear was making herself known. She was throwing a tantrum of epic proportions — throwing out worries, doubts, and some nasty false-truths.

I was working with a coach at the time who told me that fear can come along for the ride but she is not allowe to drive. Needing a way to soothe my fear, I decided to personify her.

Meet my fear.

This sweet, sparkly unicorn is my fear. She helped me get some distance from the incessant thoughts and feelings so that I could see them for what they were. Fear, bless her heart, just wanted to keep me safe. I was stretching out of my comfort zone, doing something I had never done before, and quite honestly, doing something no one in my family had ever done before.

I did several writing exercises with fear, my inner critic. I drew a line down the middle of a piece of paper and let her talk. I listened to what she had to say and calmly responded. I went back and forth with her until I felt relief and settled again. By acknowledging what my fear had to say, I could release her grip on me while also justifying my actions. Sometimes she helped me think through a back up plan which made me feel grounded and other times, she showed me that I needed a back up plan which led to me thinking through things a little bit more.

Looking over at the passenger seat, I saw Fear tucked into my tote bag.

“Here we go,” I told her.

We walked into the building, a large, looming government building and made our way to the clerk’s office. I stepped up to the counter and proudly told the attendant that I wanted to apply for a DBA. I was sure he would cheer, clap me on the back, and confetti would rain from the ceiling.

Nope. With absolutely zero fanfare and zero emotion, he looked over my application, rang me up, stamped my paper, and I was on my way.

I couldn’t contain the smile on my face as I walked back to my car. Inside, I let out a scream.

“We did it,” I told my fear. “We did it.”

And it actually wasn’t hard. At all. But sometimes self-sabotage or imposter syndrome is like that. This experience taught me that I can trace all my intrusive thoughts back to my fear. She loves me, I’m sure of that, and I love her, but I’m in the driver’s seat.

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The start of a new year can be exciting and exhilarating but also scary and overwhelming. With a fresh slate ahead of you, your fear might step in to keep you safe by making sure you play small…instead of letting you stretch and.

Dear writer, listen to your fear but do not let her drive your decisions. Get curious about self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, or self doubt. Sit with those feelings and give Fear some space to say what she needs to say. And then share your perspective.

My book Living the Life of a Writer: 6 Practices Student Writers Have, Know, and Do is publishing this fall. This is possible because I worked with Fear but stayed committed to taking steps towards my wildest dreams.

I’d love for you to join my Pre-Order Party! Fill out this form so you’ll be the first to know when the pre-order is life AND you’ll reserve your spot at my virtual Pre-Order Party. (Details to come!)

I love empowering writers, teachers, and students to explore their stories and explore what it means to live the life of a writer in and out of the classroom. If you know someone who is reflective, values community, connection, and growth, and likes to write, I’d love if you would share this post with them.

And if you’re taking steps towards your wildest dreams this year, let me know how I can support you in the comments!